5 THINGS ABOUT PROBATION THAT ARE EXTREMELY ANNOYING

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I know what you want to say – you did it to yourself a-hole! Now you got to pay the price! Or that everything happens for a reason. Even the comical one day you’re going to look back at all of this and laugh.

Then you have my personal favorite (making me extremely unhinged when someone says it to me) – Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time! (thanks mom). Well, everyone can kiss my ass. This is my site, I make the rules, and can do what I want, so screw off and allow me a moment to elaborate on some of the more profound things I have viewed to be extremely annoying over the years (yes, I said years) all while being on probation. And if this somehow / someway offends you, you may kindly stop reading now.

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5) The Dreaded Switch Out

Huh, the hell you mean I got a new officer. What happened to the last one? Oh, she got promoted. Great…. but what about little ol’ me?

And with that, your world is turned upside down (and your head spinning). Damn, all that hard work and calculated ass-kissing for nothing. Gone. Finished. Up in smoke, and jack shit to show for it. I was soooo close to making them really, really like me – even though they’re not supposed to. Now what?

It is true. Without rhyme or reason, you’re told this person who had a major impact in how your world would evolve on a day-to-day basis just up and “disappeared”, and poof – they no longer exist. Worse, the explanation given to you is somewhat similar to when the mafia whacks one of their own and you’re not in the loop.

You: Where’s Vinny?

Made Guy: Vinny?

You: Yeah Vinny…

Made Guy: Yeah, Vinny’s no longer with us.

And that’s that. Although this may work in your favor in the event you had a real ballbreaker as an officer, it’s still a time where you have to start from scratch and work on winning over the new one. God, that’s annoying. Never mind that I’ve gone through that experience a total of 12 times (yes, I’ve gone through 12 effing-probation officers over the years), which believe me I’m not bragging about. Where now come to think about it, is actually very, very depressing.

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4) Legal Costs Should Be Illegal

The amount of money spent on probation fees, court costs, and incidentals not excluding equipment and/or devices, all put a major dent in your bank account. Mind you, I haven’t even approached the astronomical costs related to court ordered restitution (talk about irony – the markup on legal costs should be totally illegal), but either way you cut it, we’re still talking the kind of cash that impacts your future.

Numerous studies have shown that sentencing people for longer periods of probation has little to no effect on public safety and can even harm it. Other studies have demonstrated that longer probation sentences actually increase someone’s probability of committing another crime due to its impact on one’s ability to secure steady employment – yet they want their money.

Consistently, and all the time though, they’re creating the logistical problem of getting it for themselves. Yup, it’s just one big legal racket. And to think, we are the criminals. For the record, I’d rather put money in a blender and watch it purify than spend it on probation costs and court fees (sorry government).

Think about this, that money could have been invested in stocks, real estate, a life changing vacation, or even a fully loaded Hynduai Elantra.

This really all has to do with what could’ve been done, rather than what actually was. And if you’re like most people on this (probation), you can barely afford the cost of living, rather than worry about just how the legal system will drain you of all your income, leaving you penniless and destitute, along with the moral and legal dilemma of if you should rob banks to pay them back (what a concept), all because you cannot find a decent job to afford probation. But hey, I’m not bitter or anything.

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3) Travel Restrictions

Damn, it truly was an enjoyable experience exploring the whole country county from one end to the other. Um, yeah, now I’d like to migrate a little further than just my own backyard. Hey, I know – maybe I can explore the whole state at some point in time. With some good behavior, even work my way up to out of state. Yeah, right. I’m better off smuggling myself in a suitcase rather than asking for permission.

Look, the fact that I have to retain a “travel pass” in order to take my son to and from school cause it’s past county lines, thus leave my restricted area, only contributes to the built-up animosity and hatred I have towards the system at large.

Newsflash, I’m not a flight risk. If that was the case, I’d have left long ago and been hanging out with Bin Laden in his cave. I heard he even had wi-fi and great cable channels too. Annoying.

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2) My Personal Chaperone

I am not a robot. Hence, my emotions have an uncanny ability to dictate my course of action. Kind of like when I’m in a less than social mood and don’t want any company. So please leave me the hell alone.

Obviously, you can understand the precarious situation that arises when unannounced said visitors (probation officers) want to stop by and chat with me. I mean, they can be the nicest person in the world, but the constant companionship of someone outside my wife, son, and dog can get seriously annoying. And claustrophobic.

Look, I’m good. I’m staying out of trouble. You’re not my bookie, so you don’t need to reprimand me on any money owed. You also do not need to stop by my job regularly (making things astonishingly awkward and uncomfortable).

That doesn’t help the cause. And you sure as shit don’t need to pop by in the middle of the night and see where I move my bowels (the toilet in case you didn’t understand).

There’s something about the human mindset that pushes back when put under constant restrictions, and even worse, when we can associate an actual face to go along and blame for it. Think of a relationship where you cannot break up with that person. Kind of like a trapped Iraqi wife in her arranged marriage – no effing say. And you know how that ends up?

Either she shuts up and is complicit with the agreed nuptials (spending the rest of her days on this Earth being bossed around by some a-hole with major back hair) – OR – she spends the rest of her life in prison after stabbing him to death and playing in a pool of his blood with a deranged smile on her face. Either way, you lose.

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1) Having One Foot in the Slammer… at all times

Yup, the whole “at all times” must be thrown in there to remind you to not mess this whole thing up. And to be appreciative that you got probation as opposed to having to rot away in some cage, so you must comply with all conditions of your supervision or…. well, you know.

And if that doesn’t screw with your head, I don’t know what does. Like a war vet coming home, you’re going to be a little messed up from all this. You get paranoid. You develop anxiety. You’re edgy. And you carry it all with you, weighing you down heavily (depression anyone).

It also affects your decision-making, as you also live life having to second guess yourself, as (I’m just going out on a limb here) most people want to move on with their life and not have restrictions placed on them in the manner in which they live.

Shit man, life is hard enough as-is. Especially if you have the unfortunate title of being a convicted felon. Even if you’re not, having any form of criminal background is an impairment to living. But then couple that with supervision and restrictions, and the odds of success in anything you attempt in this lifetime are greatly against you.

You have all these consequences if you mess this up: yet the interference (from probation) is substantial. It all hinders your ability to gain (and retain) something better.

I’m sure some could say that I have a bad attitude, and that it’s a blessing that I’m not in prison. I say you really don’t know how this will turn out per statistics, given the enormous pressure one’s faced with everyday they’re on probation. It’s exhausting. And my God it’s annoying.

–The Educated Felon