Today, yours truly has decided to do you a solid by dropping a little golden nugget in your lap for free. Seeing as how this little tidbit cost me seven grand back in the day, I’m hoping you too can do something useful with it as I had the privilege of doing on one particular stressful occasion.

What I’m about to tell you is the only thing I seemed to have received of any real worth, from a real worthless lawyer I once retained (but I digress, as I will try and keep things civilized).

I vividly recall being prepped on what to say in the event I was to be brought in for questioning by the authorities. This was in respect to any ahem, “issues” that may have been arising in my life at the given time surrounding the business activities I conducted.

Listen, I am not going to lie to you – I may have dipped my hands in the cookie jar one too many times and managed to put myself in a bad spot. So, without a doubt, I lawyered up.

Some lawyers accept payment plans

Be that as it may, I was majorly stressed and nervous about what was to be imminently happening to my life, rather soon. And in layman terms, I was an absolute mess, scared to death of what was about to go down.

Anyways, in preparation of said future incident to come, I had been briefly coached on a particular matter. Ready for it? Cause here it goes…

I’ll cooperate with you. I just want my attorney present before I do anything“.

Simple, huh? Yeah, well not quite. It seems Fifth Amendment privileges are seldom being practiced. That said, questioning must cease when you request counsel. Remember you are waiving your right to remain silent when you open your big fat mouth and start yapping. Anything you say… can, will be held, and used against you. Know this.

If it was me being targeted in an investigation (been there, done that), questioned, or interrogated, I would not answer anything without an attorney present – my attorney.

You may feel inclined to talk to them (authorities). Do not.

You may feel a bit anxious, nervous, and/or scared. And you Know what? You should be. But it’s alright though. You are not impressing anyone by portraying how hard you are. Plenty of self-proclaimed “tough guys” have sat in that chair before you, been broken down, and was morphed into a blubbering mess, further complicating matters.

In the end, they’ve done more harm than good to their respective situation. All due to not knowing the right thing to say, and that right thing is absolutely nothing.

Shhhhh….. ut the f*** up.

Is it really that difficult to do nothing? I mean, as my mother constantly said, I was always good at that. Still though, I was terrified sitting there all alone in that room. It was nerve wracking having all those people come in and out, asking questions, trying to bully and intimidate me.

Even though I was being pursued in a criminal investigation (awe shucks), ironically, I was always someone who went way out of my way to avoid any kind of confrontation, so you can imagine me sitting there wetting my pants, not trying to aggravate the situation further by way of being silent, hence pissing them off (further).

However, I remembered what was etched into my brain and what I was trained to say in this event, by someone whom I had paid good money to, all in order to have my best interests in mind. Once again, my interests.


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Many prosecutions have occurred due to people feeling they can use their charm and wit, talking their way out of the situation. You will not. What ends up happening is they make things infinitely worse for themselves in that moment, not to mention their future defense by incriminating themselves.

People believe they will be in big trouble if they do not talk. Worse, if they’re stand-offish and hostile. They really feel like that they can have a friendly conversation with the officer/investigator. You cannot.

…. confess to everything, otherwise we’ll give you enough coffee to s*** your guts out.

With all due respect, the officer/investigator is not your friend. Again, and I repeat:

“I’ll cooperate with you, no problem. I just want an attorney present before I do anything”.

Take note: you will be asked….

Why do you want an attorney present?

Response: I’ll cooperate with you. Can you please arrange for (my) an attorney. Thank you. Be succinct and clear in your request. Also, be polite. No need to be rude, hostile, or condescending. Be in control of yourself and your emotions. And that is that.

Won’t it look like I am guilty and not cooperative if I do not talk to the authorities?

Of course not. One of the biggest misconceptions is that the guilty are the only ones who do not talk. That they are the ones who “lawyer up”. Bullshit and nonsense. This is a time where you must not let emotions rule and cloud your judgement. All bets are off.

This is your life on the line here. Do not be foolish in devaluing your freedom. Cover your ass is applicable, where applicable. Don’t you want (good) representation? Somebody looking out for your best interest, when the person questioning you is not your best friend?

Don’t be goated or railroaded into talking either, trying to prove you are not guilty. Leave that for counsel. It will make things less difficult to defend at a later date. And you can thank me later.

In closing I would like to thank you, that worthless lawyer (one of) from yesteryear, who did not do much for me in that terrible situation I found myself in at the time, except for giving me that one little piece of advice that was actually worth something.

However, you did do some good in this world, as it allowed me to write and share an article with others who find themselves in a similar crappy situation. Still doesn’t justify what you charged me though. But I digress.

Please note that this was not legal advice and should not be construed as such. If you feel this is legal advice, you are sadly mistaken. I am not an attorney; I am a Felon. This article is merely a state of comedic opinion for educational purposes only. Always consult an attorney regarding your specific legal situation.

Educate yourself on your situation, because nobody will do it for you. Stay well and out of trouble.

_The Educated Felon