Love, Crisis Management, & Learning When to Shut Up

I am not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m just not. And I only tell you that to preface the fact that I caught a little bit of the show The Bachelor when it was on the other night. It’s not like I was watching it though. I was just reading something, looked up, and there it was on our screen. That was it, and that was the extent of it. I didn’t enjoy it either (just saying).

When it happened, I immediately turned to my wife in disgust and said… where’s the remote. You watching this? To which she replied yes, go back to your reading (she didn’t even look in my direction when she said it, as her eyes were fixated on the tv).

Minutes later I heard something whispered under her breath that sounded a lot like… I wish you could be more like that. Yup – and with that, it was time to throw down.

Now I won’t bore you with the details of what was said during that exchange, but I’ll tell you it got a little heated. Truth be told, it almost had the potential to escalate into something pretty nasty, but greater heads prevailed. In other words, I learned to shut the f*** up and quit while I was ahead.

Now was I being a bitch for giving in like that – or did I maybe have a better understanding of one of the most powerful things in this universe… Love.

Anyways, let me just throw something out there because I know Valentine’s Day is upon us, and many a woman longs for the kind of elusive romance she may see on that show*, yet many men are resistant to any kind of role play. Thus, rendering them helpless when a (shit) show like this one comes on. Allow me to tell you something you may already know.

*And for those that don’t know, this show does an amazing job of starting shit in what would be an uneventful evening, between two people who would otherwise love each other.

Yeah, that life is not real. You know – the whole fairy tale romance thing. At least not with someone who’s a convicted felon. Furthermore, the love displayed on that show will not last. It never does.

The moment you apply a little stress or pressure from either end to that relationship, it will crumble. And it will happen fast. Because it was not designed to handle reality (ironic huh, seeing as how it’s a reality show). Let me explain….

Here you have these beautiful people who are in paradise, vying for the opportunity to be granted a true shot at love. They’ve all come together in this idyllic environment, searching for a kindred spirit (and ass) they’ll want to spend the rest of their nights with.

They eat, drink, and laugh, as they partake in lavish brunches and dinners without a care in the world. The average man’s problems no longer exist here, as they’re insulated from the world and much of it’s hardships. And although they’re put in compromising situations, it’s far removed from the stressful reality of real-world living, especially for someone who is a convicted felon.

None of it applicable. Not to my life at least. Nor any other person I’ve known who’s incurred a few legal setbacks. Still though, who the hell am I to stand in the way of love. But let me tell you what the real reality of love is. Especially from someone who is a convicted felon.

It’s finding that special someone who can endure a life with you, complete with all your flaws and imperfections. It’s about finding attraction for someone who amazes you with the wherewithal they display after you’ve ruined their credit, wrecked their car, and have dragged them into a courtroom to cheer you on.

Yes, I’ve done this all for to the woman I love. Lucky her.

Reality is learning to co-exist with the other party and not kill each other when you’re stuck in a shitty one bedroom apartment because that’s all you can afford. And for that matter, that shitty one bedroom was a stretch, cause she’s the only one who could be on the lease, seeing as how they don’t rent to anyone with a felony (bullshit rule).

….so lemme get this straight, the dog is allowed, but I’m not. What if the dog was a felon though?

You’re on house arrest, you have a child together, overdue bills together (because of you). And now an asshole Probation Officer wants to stop by (unannounced) to pay a visit after she’s just gotten home from work and is getting a chance to finally rest.


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All this and yet she hasn’t stabbed you in your sleep, nor has she attempted to poison you. Yup, she’s a keeper. And that’s love kids, not that shit on The Bachelor. The fact of the matter is you sign up for a very different way of life when you are to share it with a convicted felon. And by no means am I saying it’s a bad one, just one filled with challenges. In turn, you must recognize, appreciate, and then reward the person who chooses to go through that with you.


This is not a relationship advice column, but I am going to give out some anyways: Judge somebody based on how they respond to crisis – and then make the choice to fall in love with them after that.

Do not fall in love with someone when things are great. When things are great of course you are going to get along. Of course, everything is beautiful and happy. It’s all a fairy tale. And it is also fake. Relationships that are built on fake, fairy tale foundations are destined to fall apart. As most will break once you have some sort of legal trouble.

You may even hear them say I never knew that side of him. Um, yes you did. They just falter at the first signs of crisis. More often than not, they’re not in touch with reality.

Sure, you “love” each other. You’re happy. BUT what if you weren’t in a mansion. What if you were in a one-bedroom shit hole apartment. What if instead of the lavish spread to eat, all you could see in your fridge was baking soda. Then what? You still in love?

Rate somebody you are with based on how they response to stress and crisis.

Have they been there. Have they endured. So many think that the relationship has to be so perfect in order for them to be happy. That it has to be an ideal situation. Nonsense.

So many times when I’ve been under my legal duress I’d think about how fortunate I was to have somebody who was there with me through it all. Granted we had our moments, but still, that’s a given in any relationship. Any of them.

How do I know if the person I’m with is right for me?

Simple – they should make you a better person. You should also want to be better because of them. Be ever so mindful of what is asked from the person who accompanies you in a relationship when you are going through a legal challenge.

Like anything in life, there has to be compromise. Has to. That’s how things will be able to work. Especially if the other party is willing to sacrifice certain things in order to be with someone who’s on probation, is incarcerated, or is a convicted felon. Or lucky them, all of the above (the triple threat).

Choosing to go through the ups and downs of life with someone who’s a convicted felon is no small feat. In so many words, your partner ends up inheriting all of your problems as a package deal. If that’s the case, you must truly appreciate how this person feels about you. And as a result, you should love them. And keep loving them. That and don’t compare yourself to an unrealistic situation that is not YOUR life.

Love the person you’re with and be grateful for all they’ve endured for you and your family. Appreciate them all year, rather than on one particular day that’s heavily marketed. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. And educate yourself on your situation, because nobody will do it for you. Stay well and out of trouble.

The Educated Felon