MARRYING A FELON: WOULD YOU MARRY A CONVICTED FELON

After being dispatched to an emergency, there I stood, in the middle of a Walgreens aisle at 8:49 pm on a Friday, all while trying extremely hard to not look creepy while looking for the correct tampon to purchase for my wife. I’m also trying extremely hard to not screw this up.

What did she say? Extra absorbent? The one with pearls? Jesus, who the hell knows?

This must be payback for all the shit she’s gone through (and continues to go through) cause of little old me (and my little felony conviction). Awe, shucks. The things we do for love.

Anyway, here I am, being a good husband – doing what good husbands all across the land do (criminal record or not).

With all that said, if you were to ask my wife, would she marry a felon all over again, knowing all the headaches, turmoil, and stress she would be put through because of my background and a participant in the criminal justice system at large, would she?

(I would venture to say a resounding YES, but then again, I’m a tad bit biased)

Marrying a felon (What does it take)

Allow me to state the obvious when I say that being romantically involved with someone who has a criminal record comes with a great deal of responsibilities and challenges.Marrying a felon encompasses legal consequences, social stigma, financial implications, travel restrictions, altered plans, and emotional effects. Like any relationship, it will require a considerable amount of love, understanding, optimism, and above all else: the ability to endure endless amounts of bullshit all while still keeping a smile on your face. Good times.

Despite the tough exterior facade, many convicted felons are fragile creatures. Meaning, we are emotionally cognizant and unaccepting of our shortcomings. To have someone other than a probation officer, prison guard, or our dear old mom point out these defects continually, reminding us of our mistakes on a continual basis makes us extremely upset and rather insecure.

It is due to this (in part) that many things are said and done in the heated throws of an argument, and oftentimes certain things cannot be taken back. The last thing any man wants is to feel emasculated or demeaned, so as a partner or spouse, you will need the restraint and patience of a holy saint from up above in order to not allow things to escalate to a toxic point.

You will also have to play motivator, cheerleader, and personal therapist all rolled into one, as rejection and shame accompany your partner in a cold, harsh reality they must participate in, due to their criminal history.

A heavy burden is placed on the shoulders of the spouse/partner who decides that they are in love with someone who has a criminal record, as the challenges are constant, and come in many different forms and fashion.

Marrying a Felon (What you don’t know)

Not exactly everyone is accepting of someone with a criminal history (shocker). Your family, friends, co-workers, and society at large will cast aspersions and frown upon your professed hot love for one another, with the lukewarm reception shown by others wearing you out and getting old rather quickly.

In nutshell, be prepared for judgement and deal with a lot of criticism reflected on your relationship. Always enjoyable when you have to hear from your aunt (whom you haven’t seen in 3 years) at Thanksgiving that your making a mistake by getting involved with “a criminal”.

It obviously hurts, as you take this personal since it hits close to home. There are real feelings being messed with and you get defensive when someone is threatening the very existence of your happiness.

By and far the biggest challenges facing anyone who’s been in touch with the criminal justice system is quality of life by way of where you live and what you do for a living.

Both of these nightmares carry a significant bearing for not only the ex-offender, but the relationship by default, as a spouse/partner must also deal with all the logistical problems that come from your felony conviction.

I can tell you that no matter how strong and secure your marriage can be, a felony conviction produces a significant amount of stress and pressure that can be toxic on that marriage, let alone any relationship. It definitely takes a toll on things.

There is a saying that goes… marry the person, and you marry the family. Well, there is another saying, marry the felon, and your life can suck (at times), cause you marry the problems associated with the felony.

It is not even so much the felony, but more the collateral damage created by it which affects the relationship due to the enormous complications put on it. Simple things are not so simple anymore. And your everyday difficult situations are much more magnified and tedious now.

All this amounts to enormous pressure put on BOTH people financially, physically, and emotionally, all of which affect the relationship.

A felony on one’s record follows them for the rest of their life. It tends to come up again and again (and again), and it is really up to all parties (both husband and wife) in the relationship to find solutions to the everyday challenges to make things work.

Marrying a Felon (How else does it affect you)

At this point, you may be asking yourself what the upside to fall in love with, and eventually marry someone who was or is legally challenged. I mean, there seems to be an extensive list of drawbacks that would make one extremely apprehensive and haul ass in the opposite direction when discovering someone has a felony conviction on their record.

The good news is that you would not lose any rights in any state in this country if you married a convicted felon under all state and federal laws. The bad news is that your partner is still subject to certain terms and conditions that must be complied with when involved with the criminal justice system, thus affecting you and the relationship both directly and indirectly.

Case in point, child custody situations become sticky if you were to marry a convicted felon, as your ex-partner could potentially file a petition to request custody of your child, based on a claim that your new partner displays bad judgment and is a danger to the welfare of any children.

Of course, your ex would need to produce concrete evidence to support this petition, however, you would also need to produce evidence that your new partner is NOT a threat to any child. Based on this example, the collater damage of a felony conviction runs deep, and its effect applies to you.

(Once again, marry the felon, and you marry the problems)

Unfortunately, marriage (for better or worse) is a package deal so to say, and one inherits all these problems when marrying, or even getting romantically involved with someone convicted of a felony.

As mentioned before, friends and family can often make you feel like hot garbage by not being supportive or understanding, but they could also be seeing something you may not, as you are blinded by love.

The stereotypes attached to someone who is a felon are something that must be accepted though, and that will never change. Even the word “felon” has been known to strike fear or nervousness in the public, but not all felons are bank robbers, murderers, or convicted of violent crime.

In actuality, many felons are good people who have made bad or even terrible decisions, as once convicted, a moment of stupidity punishes a felon for life.

Marrying a Felon (How to make it work)

Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol… Just kidding… Kind of.

Once again, like any regular relationship, it requires lots of work, patience, and understanding. To be noted (also once again), being romantically involved with a felon is anything but an ordinary relationship.

This relationship comes with an extraordinary set of circumstances and restrictions that are imposed on your life just as much as your partner.

Things tend to get “complicated” to put it mildly. Part of what defines a healthy relationship is a mutual sharing of what you want out of the relationship and where you want it to go. This is something you will only know by talking openly and honestly with your partner.

Good communication is key, and when you experience a positive emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe and happy, and as a result, are inclined to be much more intimate.

When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of challenge or stress (and there will be plenty) will bring out the disconnect. There’s a difference between being loved and feeling loved.

When you feel loved, it makes you feel accepted and valued by your partner, and like someone truly gets you (felon or not).

Marrying a Felon (7 Tips to Help Your Relationship with a Felon)

1. Take note of your partner’s nonverbal cues for better understanding For any relationship to work well, each person has to understand their own and their partner’s nonverbal cues. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours, and when you can pick up on your partner’s body language, you will be able to tell how they feel and can respond swiftly and accordingly.Remember, a felon deals with many frustrations and injustices on a day-to-day basis and can often find themselves increasingly frustrated with a growing sense of depression stemming from this. Oftentimes, they may not know how to express themselves with that quiet desperation that builds up. They need their partner to be there for them, and it helps when you learn to pick up on this and uplift their mood. Additionally, prioritizing mental health is crucial in maintaining a supportive relationship, as it helps both partners cope with the emotional toll and stresses associated with the circumstances you are in – a relationship littered with pressure and stress (marrying a felon).
2. Learn how to resolve conflict with honest and respectful communicationDisagreements are a normal thing in every relationship, but to keep your relationship strong, both people must feel like they have both been heard. The goal is not to win (sometimes) but to maintain and strengthen your relationship. Honest communication plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts and ensuring both partners understand each other’s perspectives.Being respectful and knowing that this is not a game, nor a power trip is essential, as the goal is to work together in order to overcome the challenges you will go through as a couple (which there will be plenty to go around).
3. Learn to give and takeIf you expect to get what you want 100% of the time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment as relationships do not work this way (if that’s the case, you should be single). Relationships are built on compromise, especially one when your are married to a felon, and it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.
4. Keep your shit togetherIf you can learn to manage your emotions and stress, and return to a calm state, you will not only avoid saying regretful harsh words, but you will also help to avoid some conflict and bullshit, even helping to calm your partner when tempers flare. Maintaining emotional and mental well-being (maintain control) is crucial in managing the stress put on the marriage.**FELON TIP:**Find something that you both enjoy doing together, whether it’s a watching a tv show, taking a class, a daily walk, or even sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning and shooting the shit. The point is that this is something you bond over and has nothing to do with felonies or legal problems.
5. Get it onHave sex. Lots and lots of it. Please. I do not need to give tips on how exactly you do this either. That said, there are definite pros and cons of dating and even marrying someone with a felony, as it evokes a sense of danger and a bit of a forbidden vibe when being with the bad boy/bad girl, as many people find this to be a turn on (just saying).While sex is often a foundation of any committed relationship (separates the friend zone), it should not be the only form of physical intimacy. Affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, kissing—is equally important. Of course, it’s important to be sensitive to what your partner wants.Unwanted touching or inappropriate gestures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want. As with so many other aspects of a healthy relationship, this can come down to how well you communicate your needs and intentions with your partner.
6. Focus on having as much fun together as possibleCouples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship; however, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as the real-life challenges of the felony conviction start getting in the way or keep posing more problems. It is having a sense of humor that will actually get you through the tough times, reduce stress, and work through issues more easily. Know this.
7. Do not be ashamed to ask for helpLife is challenging as it is, let alone adding a little old felony to the equation. Sometimes problems in a relationship can seem too complex or overwhelming for you to handle as a couple. Counseling, or talking together with a professional is a great help. If you need outside help for your relationship, reach out together. Do not be embarrassed about this or feel defeated to think that your relationship is doomed by going this route. Non-sense. There is help that is out there and could be life changing for the relationship between two adult overcoming legal challenges.

Would You Marry a Felon? (Conclusion)

Everyone has a past, good, bad, or indifferent – and it’s not easy to marry a felon (let alone date a felon), but when you can look past the charges you might find that you have found someone who is grateful for a second chance at life and all the opportunities it offers.

For most people, falling in love (even with a felon) usually seems to just happen. It’s staying in love—or preserving that “falling in love” feeling—that requires a lot of hard work (constant) and commitment.

Given its rewards, though, it’s well worth the effort to marry a felon.

A healthy, secure romantic relationship no matter what the background of the individual can serve as an ongoing source of support and happiness in your life, through good times and bad, strengthening all aspects of your well-being.

By taking steps now to preserve your falling-in-love experience, you can build a meaningful relationship (marriage to a felon) that lasts—even for a lifetime.