Felony Cheat Codes: Improve Your Life or Go To Jail

When I was a kid, I remember spending countless hours being angry at my Nintendo and the game Punch-Out because I was not able to get past certain levels. Popular characters like Mike Tyson started to consume my life, adding to my stress.

As a result, I also remember the need for some anger management classes at an early age, due to the increased frustration directed at numerous controllers being hurled at TV screens.

I was a total mess. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even concentrate on anything else but the challenge in front of me. But to no avail, it was all futile.

I’d sit there, tears streaming down my face, asking God why he was making it so difficult for me to advance in those games, even asking for some sort of divine intervention at one point in time.

And then -A MIRACLE HAPPENED.

With that, a new era in gaming had begun. One where a boss battle didn’t stand a chance, and they’d all succumb to my unfettered will. I was a (young) man on a mission. Confident. Strong. Capable. Again. I used various cheats to overcome the challenges that once seemed impossible.

All of a sudden, things seemed less complicated. Life didn’t pose such a threat. I had the secret weapon to bypass the bullshit and skip to the front of the line. Yup, I was back with a vengeance.

The hell with the whole challenge aspect. Control over the game mechanics made the experience more enjoyable and less stressful.

And while some would say this takes away from the overall experience of life and is thus “gaming the system”, others would say get real and grow the f*** up.

This is the new age, friend. You get far by hard work, talent, AND taking advantage of every possible opportunity that makes itself present and available to you.

While I’m not trying to teach anyone bad things, let us be honest here: You probably already know a shit ton of bad things in life, otherwise (like me), you would not be a convicted felon, nor on this very interesting website (just saying).

Discovering new cheats was incredibly fun and added a new layer of excitement to the games. With that, the following is only intended for mature audiences and is for entertainment value and purposes.

While some of these will border on the behavior of the immoral, unethical, and illegal, we are not advising to attempt these (further complicating your legal standing), as it is merely put out for comedic purposes.

Before discovering cheat mode, I had a hard time progressing in the games, often feeling stuck and frustrated. I hope I can present you with some cheat codes for your daily living pleasure.

How to be a Great Liar

The best liar convinces everyone he is a terrible liar (I won’t come in your mouth). And yet another strategy is to never lie, so nobody will believe that you did lie when it does happen.

I lie on occasion. Actually, even that’s a lie. The truth is that I lie a lot. But when I do, I do it carefully and usually, it’s without malicious intent.

And if ever I need a lie to protect myself, it’s looked over because I usually admit fault (if it was my fault), and don’t generally try to lie my way out of trouble (confused yet). That is how lies are supposed to work. To save your ass when you actually need it. Some levels felt impossible to beat without the help of cheats.

How to Beat a Lie Detector Test

A tack. That’s really all it takes. The whole basis of the lie detector is that it reads the blood pressure, breathing, and perspiration of an individual.

The idea is that when you lie, your body supposedly reacts to your lying by small, seismic physical reactions. But if all that is compromised, as if you’re in constant pain, by say… purposely pressing your foot onto a tack in your shoe, then all of this would trigger actual stress traction throughout the body, and all of your answers, truth or lie, would appear one and the same.

How to Scrape off a Serial Number

“Scraping” or filing off the number will still leave the impressions that can be detected using a range of technologies. Even if you can no longer see it with the naked eye, the imprint still exists as simple filing or grinding rarely goes deep enough to remove all traces.

The first way to totally remove the serial number is to completely drill through the metal (obliterating it with an object like a drill bit or an end mill) until the drill comes out the reverse side. Even then, the drill has to be a bit larger than the size of the serial number.

The second way is to re-stamp different numbers over the first and just as deep as the first set. Bear in mind, that it is a violation of federal and some state laws to possess a firearm that has had its serial number altered in any way. Awe shucks.

How to Get Glowing References

Do you have gaps in your work history and don’t know how to work around them? Well, fill’em in with companies that valued your stellar performance on the job when you worked for them in the past. Get a burner phone** and use yourself as a point of reference on your job applications**.

If you’re otherwise qualified for a job, there’s no reason why a reference should be a barrier. References are just people being called, on behalf of other people who don’t know the people calling them, for information they don’t know, nor can confirm. See how easy that is?

How to be Content

Aside from the need for drugs and alcohol to alter your perception of reality into an enjoyable living experience, one should also hack their mindset with this quick tip.

The best strategy is to expect the worst. Then be prepared for it, and satisfied with good results, rather than to expect the best outcome and be disappointed/disheartened when those expectations are not met. It’s what you call being pleasantly surprised, and it’s true in all the spheres of life – be it relationships, exam results, the future, or anything else for that matter.

How to Know Your Competition

Struggling to write a resume, or don’t know what to include in order to get a particular job? Post fake job offerings on recruitment websites for that position you’re interested in and watch the resumes and cover letters pour in, which you can then copy for your own advantage. You will then see how you stack up and what things you should be including in your own efforts.

How to Get Your Money’s Worth

Buy an appliance that’s identical to the one you broke, swap them out, then return the broken appliance for a refund. This one generally works much better if the item is fairly new, or at least purchased within a reasonable time frame, rather something many years old they that they no longer carry.

How to Sound Sick

If you want to sound sick when calling in to your work (or just trying to weasel out of some event), then lie on your back while hanging your head over the edge of the bed. You will sound congested. And for more added effect, throw in a cough.

How to Avoid Long Phone Conversations

When you get a call from someone whom you don’t want to talk to and still have to answer the call, tell them at the very beginning of the conversation that your phone battery is going to die. You can then hang up whenever you please without seeming rude. Voila! You’re excused.*

*(Felon) Editors note: Will not work well when speaking to your probation officer.

How to Watch Movies in Comfort

Spill some of your drink on the seat in front of or next to you at the cinema in order to prevent anyone from sitting there. Thus, you avoid looking like a heathen by farting (in order to get them away from you) and any ensuing confrontation and look more like a clumsy idiot. Winning.

How to Win an Argument

The great art of debate has varying techniques of just how one goes about persuading and getting their point across. But next time try this method:

When in the middle of an intense argument or if someone is yelling directly in your face, respond with “First of all, brush your teeth”. It will absolutely destroy their self-confidence, and you will gain the upper hand when speaking.

How to Win Rock, Paper, Scissors

Before you get roped into doing anything, try and lure them into the game ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ and then always start with paper. Most people start with rock as it’s the shape the hand forms most easily.

How to Pay Off Student Loans

What is one to do when bankruptcy won’t discharge student loans?

1. Get 50K in credit.
2. Pay off student loans.
3. Make minimum payment for 8 to 12 months.
4. Stop paying for 6 months.
5. Let it go to collections.
6. File for bankruptcy.

Although credit will be shot for a certain period of time, you’ll now be debt-free with student loans paid off, at a fraction of the price since bankruptcy will cost you approximately $1800.

How to Own the Latest Movies For Cheap

If you want a new movie and really don’t care about the consequences (it better be a good movie), then go and get a prepaid Visa card, and load it with fifty bucks.

Spend on it till you have about 4 to 5 bucks left. Take the card to Redbox and select the titles you want, then use that card to check out. They cannot track it down as it’s a nameless card and isn’t tied to you, so you’re basically untraceable. Just remember to not put your email in to get the reward points (greedy). Enjoy your new title (and the resulting prosecution).

How to Get Away With It

Most criminals are caught because they tried to hide the crime – what they should have been doing is trying to hide any connection they have to the crime.

DNA is the surest way to prove you committed a crime. Therefore, it is absolutely imperative you do not leave ANY DNA behind and THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT.

The best solution to this is to commit your crime in a place that is likely to have a lot of DNA from strangers. For example, a park, a mall, anywhere that a lot of people tend to gather. Finding your DNA will be like finding a needle in a haystack.

How to Avoid Speaking to Authorities

If I simply remain silent, police must stop questioning me… says an idiot. Recently, the Supreme Court ruled that you must assert your right to remain silent out loud.

Politely inform the officer that you are choosing to exercise your right to remain silent, and that you refuse to answer any questions without an attorney present.

Do not trust the words of an officer/investigator, as he is there to arrest you and not protect you. Be polite with the police and do not physically resist. If the officer asks for your name, give it to him. But…  Exercise your right to remain silent.  Have the phone number of a criminal defense attorney readily available.

Educate yourself on your situation, because nobody will do it for you. Stay well and out of trouble.