The Ultimate Crimes List: From Jaywalking to Jewel Heists (What’s Your Crime Score?)
Ever wondered where you fall on the criminal spectrum? Whether you’re a law-abiding citizen, a curious criminology student, or a seasoned criminal, my comprehensive crimes list will take you on a wild ride through the wide world of wrongdoing. Buckle up, future felons and wannabe witnesses – it’s time to see how many crimes you can tick off!
Crime by the Numbers: Startling Stats to Set the Scene
Before we dive into our criminal bucket list, let’s look at some eye-opening facts:
- The FBI reported 6,452,038 property crimes in the US in 2020
- There were 1,277,696 violent crimes reported in the same year
- Cybercrime cost the global economy $6 trillion in 2021
- The average burglar takes less than 60 seconds to break into a home
- White-collar crime costs the US economy between $300 and $800 billion annually
What Exactly is a Crimes List?
A crimes list is a comprehensive catalog of offenses recognized by law. It’s like a menu of misdeeds, a buffet of bad behavior, if you will. But unlike your favorite restaurant menu, sampling everything on this list is strongly discouraged!
Why Does a Crimes List Matter?
- Legal Reference: It helps legal professionals categorize offenses
- Public Awareness: Educates citizens about what constitutes a crime
- Crime Prevention: Knowing what’s illegal is the first step in avoiding it
- Criminology Studies: Provides a framework for understanding criminal behavior
Now, let’s dive into our unorthodox yet organized crimes list. We’ll categorize crimes based on their “Criminal Creativity Score” (CCS) – a totally made-up metric that combines seriousness, bizarreness, and pop culture appeal.
The Grand Parade of Perpetrations: Our Unconventional Crimes List
Category 1: “Oops, Did I Do That?” (CCS: 1-3)
- Jaywalking: The rebellious act of crossing the street where you’re not supposed to. Urban daredevils, unite!
- Littering: Turning the great outdoors into your personal trash can. Mother Nature is not impressed.
- Public intoxication: When your party mode doesn’t match society’s expectations. Time to call a cab!
- Loitering: The art of hanging around with no apparent purpose. Teenagers’ favorite pastime.
- Noise violations: When your idea of a whisper is everyone else’s idea of a shout. Rock on… quietly.
Category 2: “Teenage Rebel Phase” (CCS: 4-6)
- Vandalism: Expressing your “artistic side” on other people’s property. Spoiler: They’re not fans.
- Shoplifting: The “five-finger discount” that comes with a hefty price tag if you’re caught.
- Trespassing: Ignoring “No Entry” signs because they don’t apply to you, right? Wrong!
- Underage drinking: Thinking you’re mature enough to handle alcohol before the law agrees.
- Graffiti: Urban “art” that building owners somehow don’t appreciate. Stick to canvas, Banksy.
Category 3: “White Collar, Red Hands” (CCS: 7-9)
- Embezzlement: Playing fast and loose with company funds. The “borrowing” that never gets paid back.
- Insider trading: Using secret company info to play the stock market. Gordon Gekko would be proud.
- Tax evasion: Trying to outsmart the IRS. Spoiler alert: They’ve seen it all before.
- Money laundering: Making dirty money clean. It’s all fun and games until someone calls the feds.
- Ponzi schemes: The “get rich quick” scheme that only makes the schemer rich. Ask Bernie Madoff how that worked out.
Category 4: “Grand Theft Auto Wasn’t Just a Game?” (CCS: 10-12)
- Car theft: Taking someone else’s ride for a spin without asking. Not cool, dude.
- Carjacking: Car theft’s aggressive cousin. Now with 100% more trauma for the victim!
- Joyriding: “Borrowing” a car for a fun drive. The joy is short-lived when the cops show up.
- Operating a chop shop: Where stolen cars go to lose their identity. It’s like plastic surgery, but illegal.
- Vehicle title fraud: Playing fast and loose with car ownership documents. The DMV is not amused.
Category 5: “Cyber Shenanigans” (CCS: 13-15)
- Hacking: Breaking into computer systems because apparently, firewalls are just suggestions.
- Phishing: The art of tricking people into giving away their passwords. It’s fishing, but the “ph” makes it techy.
- Identity theft: Becoming someone else without the fun of costume parties.
- Cyberstalking: Taking “internet stalking your ex” to a whole new, illegal level.
- Online piracy: Sailing the high seas of the internet, plundering movies and music. Arrrg-uably illegal.
Category 6: “Straight Outta Goodfellas” (CCS: 16-18)
- Racketeering: Running a business of crime. It’s like a evil corporation, but with more danger and fewer board meetings.
- Extortion: The art of persuasion, but with threats instead of PowerPoint presentations.
- Loan sharking: Lending money at interest rates that would make a credit card company blush.
- Running illegal gambling operations: Because sometimes the house needs to win… all the time.
- Bootlegging: Bringing back prohibition-era crime with a modern twist. Bathtub gin, anyone?
Category 7: “Drugs Are Bad, M’kay?” (CCS: 19-21)
- Drug possession: Holding onto illegal substances. Not a good souvenir from your wild weekend.
- Drug trafficking: The supply chain management job that looks terrible on a resume.
- Manufacturing illegal substances: Breaking Bad: It’s not just a TV show, it’s a terrible life choice.
- Prescription fraud: When “the dog ate my prescription” excuse goes too far.
- Operating a meth lab: Turning your home into a chemical waste dump. Your neighbors will notice.
Category 8: “Ocean’s Eleven Escapades” (CCS: 22-24)
- Bank robbery: The high-stakes version of breaking your piggy bank. Significantly more illegal.
- Jewel heist: For when you want diamonds but don’t want to pay for them. Pink Panther not included.
- Art theft: Curating your own private collection… from other people’s museums.
- Safe cracking: The hands-on approach to accessing other people’s valuables. Stethoscope not actually required.
- Museum burglary: Indiana Jones in reverse – putting artifacts INTO museums is the legal way.
Category 9: “CSI’s Greatest Hits” (CCS: 25-27)
- Murder: Illegally ending someone’s life. It’s not just for TV crime dramas.
- Manslaughter: When you didn’t mean to commit murder, but it happened anyway. Still very illegal.
- Assault: Trying to hurt someone. Your fists should not be registered as lethal weapons.
- Battery: When assault achieves its goal. Keep your hands to yourself, folks.
- Kidnapping: Taking someone where they don’t want to go. Not the way to make friends.
Category 10: “Law & Order: SVU Territory” (CCS: 28-30)
- Sexual assault: Non-consensual sexual contact. Consent is not just sexy, it’s mandatory.
- Human trafficking: Treating people like commodities. A modern form of slavery that has no place in our world.
- Child exploitation: Taking advantage of society’s most vulnerable. A fast track to society’s worst labels.
- Stalking: Taking “secret admirer” way too far. Restraining orders are not love letters.
- Domestic violence: Bringing violence into the home. Family and partners should feel safe, not scared.
If you or someone you know has been affected by any of these serious crimes, please seek legal help immediately.
The “Choose Your Own Adventure” Crime Table
| If you’ve ever… | You might be guilty of… | Your Crime Score is… |
| Forgotten to return a library book | Theft of services | 1 (Book Bandit) |
| Downloaded music illegally | Copyright infringement | 3 (Pirate DJ) |
| “Borrowed” office supplies | Petty theft | 2 (Stapler Stealer) |
| Fudged numbers on your taxes | Tax fraud | 7 (Creative Accountant) |
| Hacked your ex’s Facebook | Computer crimes | 5 (Cyber Snoop) |
Real-Life Scenario: The Accidental Criminal
Meet Joe Average. Joe’s day started normally but quickly spiraled into a crime spree:
7:00 AM: Jaywalking to catch the bus (Crime #1) 9:00 AM: “Borrowing” a pen from work (Crime #2) 12:00 PM: Downloading copyrighted music (Crime #3) 3:00 PM: Accidentally pocketing a pack of gum at the store (Crime #4) 6:00 PM: Driving slightly over the speed limit (Crime #5)
Poor Joe committed five crimes before dinner! While Joe’s infractions are minor, they illustrate how easy it is to break the law unknowingly.
If you’re worried about accidental law-breaking, check out my free E-Book 101 Things To Know As A Felon (But Were Afraid To Ask).
Conclusion: Knowledge is Power (and a Get Out of Jail Free Card)
There you have it – a whirlwind tour through the wild world of wrongdoing. From minor misdemeanors to felonious faux pas, we’ve covered the criminal rainbow. Remember, this list isn’t an invitation to try new things, but rather a guide to help you stay on the straight and narrow.
Understanding what constitutes a crime is the first step in being a responsible citizen. It’s also crucial knowledge if you ever find yourself on the wrong side of the law. Whether you’re a law-abiding citizen looking to stay that way, or someone who’s made a mistake and needs help, knowledge truly is power.
So, what’s your crime score? Hopefully, it’s a big fat zero! But if you ever find yourself in a legal pickle, remember that everyone deserves a fair shake in the justice system.
Need legal advice or representation? Our partners at Legal Defense are just a phone call away. Because in the game of life, it’s always better to have a good lawyer on speed dial than a good alibi!
Stay safe, stay informed, and stay on the right side of this crimes list!
