HOW THE F*CK DID I GET HERE? (Life After a Felony Conviction)

Introduction

Now you just may be asking yourself How the f*ck did I get here? Yep, that is a very interesting question and is one that I have repeatedly asked myself many, many times (almost daily). If you would kindly humor me and listen, I would like to tell you a little story.

Picture a Friday night in a shopping mall – and at first glance through the thick sea of people, it would be hard to not notice the common theme of excitement stamped on everyone’s face.

People from all different walks of life, all different shapes and sizes, all coming together for one inherent purpose. To enjoy their very best life this evening.

A sense of electricity filled the air, not knowing all that was possible. Some would be getting laid. Some would not. Some would be enjoying a movie. Maybe even grabbing a drink, getting high, or all of the above. Whatever was on tap tonight, good for them.

Meanwhile, oddly out of place in the middle of this love fest, stands an out-of-shape, middle-aged asshole with a felony conviction, staring blankly through a window of a near-empty store.

The look of hopeless misery accompanies his face, defeat set firmly in his eyes, as he watches these groups walk by.

He also reeks of cleaning products, due in part to his closing shift ending, as he had responsibly mopped the bathroom floor. For he is not some mere customer, but an employee. A minimum wage fucking employee, on this lovely Friday evening.

What sounds like the intro to a cruel joke, and a nightmare many would care to awaken from, is my real life based on a true f*cking story. You see… I’m that asshole (well, was that is).

Standing there looking like a creeper as I fogged up the window from my shallow breathing and the onset of a mild panic attack, I said….

Dear sweet Jesus, how the f*ck did I get here? I know I’ve had my share of f*ck- ups, but was what I did so terrible? I mean, I’m a smart guy. So I cut a few corners – So f*cking what? Everyone does it. Big f*cking deal, right?

Well, I guess big f*cking deal in the eyes of the law and the criminal justice system. Be that as it may, I am here now.

Envious of the asshole walking by me, eating his Cinnabon as it dripped off his fat f*cking face, free as a bird. All the while, I am stuck here living this life.

It wasn’t always like this though.

What Was Life Like Before a Felony Record?

Long before I was led out of my house in the early morning hours in cuffs, doing the perp walk of shame in my pajamas, I was doing big things. I mean, if you had seen me before all this shit went down, you would’ve creamed your f*cking pants. I mean it.

I was wheeling and dealing, and making moves while going places. I was confident and self-assured. I knew what I wanted, and how to get it. And if I didn’t, God help you.

Nothing could stand in my way. Yep, I had life by the balls and was always twisting it ever so hard.

Sadly, it was over before it all really started for me. Needless to say, experiencing my little fall from grace has given me great perspective on many a situation, and what could have been and what was not.

It has allowed me the opportunity for self-discovery too. And one thing I self-discovered is it’s a cold, hard, and unforgiving world for convicted felons, as a felony conviction affects EVERYTHING.

(I know, shocking. You’re probably saying, quite the breakthrough this jackass discovered)

What is Life After a Felony Conviction?

More importantly, what I really discovered is how challenging life would be, and how one could easily lose their mind in the perfect storm of anger, frustration, and futility of what to make of life in the free world – post felony conviction.

I admit, that I underestimated ALL of it.

I thought life would have been much easier, and this little felony record hiccup would not have interfered with my life too much. Yeah… not quite.

Your felony conviction affects every aspect of your life.

Suddenly, the most mundane and simplest of tasks turns out to be complex and problematic. Drama would ensue. Things were not happening for me as they used to, and opportunities were sparse, and rejection was abundant everywhere.

Walking the straight path was a true test of will, too. I cannot tell you how tempting it was to go back to the old ways. Ways that are by far easier, yet ironically put me in the position I now find myself in (anybody out there understands what I’m talking about).

I found myself confused, depressed, and tired of everything I attempted. I was over it. I fucking quit.

You see, after a while of enduring the constant hardships and rejection associated with being a convicted felon and having a criminal record, I started to adopt the mindset that I should just be happy with getting by.

With a mere survival existence, as I was not allowed to prosper, and I should just face it, as a better quality of life for someone like me was ridiculous, and I was not being realistic.

(I could almost hear my mom’s words, reiterating and telling me that I will never have a good life due to my criminal record).

The Sad Felony Conviction Mind F*cK

Sadly, acceptance sets in. Mind you, I was still resistant at first, but I would constantly talk myself out of situations and opportunities.

I would say to myself Get real, they’re not gonna hire you – you’re a convicted felon. Ain’t nobody ever gonna give me a chance. F*ck it, I shouldn’t even waste my time – so I didn’t.

I even went so far as to justify it in some fucking meta-karmic way, that this (a shitty life) was to be my punishment. Since I had been in trouble with the law and had a criminal record, I did not deserve a better quality of life.

One day after one of my many daily mental breakdowns, I got fed up with living like that. I was sick of carrying the constant pain around with me in life.

No, I was not about to take my life – quite the contrary, I wanted to create a better one. And even though in the eyes of some, I did not deserve a second chance, at least my family deserved better.

Is a Better Quality of Life Even Possible for Convicted Felons?

I wanted more and understood to get more, I had to give more. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I had nothing more to give financially (f*cking criminal defense attorney(s).

I had to change up a few things to be the best version of myself.

Clearly, the biggest issue hindering my life was a weakened (fragile) state of mind and belief system, as I did not believe in myself anymore.

I will admit, that up until this point, I was using the fact that I was a convicted felon as an excuse for everything.

Because I’m a convicted felon, I cannot get a good job. Because I’m a convicted felon, I cannot have a nice house. Because of my criminal record, is why nobody wants to hang out with me. Because of my felony conviction, is why I cannot take out the trash or do laundry.

Well, you get the point. The point is that since I’m a proud owner of a felony conviction, I am always destined to have a miserable f*cking life. Which is not true.

Because We Are Convicted Felons….

Because of a felony conviction, I cannot get a good job… Okay. Maybe it will exclude you from certain fields or positions. It’s not like I wanted to be a f*cking astronaut anyway. And you must prepare yourself for lots of rejection, but you can and will get a good job. Maybe consider working for yourself and being your own boss and starting your own business. To create your good job. Please give it some thought.

Because of a felony conviction, I cannot have a nice house… Where does it say that you cannot get a mortgage due to a felony? Nowhere, because it does not exist. Sure there will be places that do not want to accept you due to restrictions on the community and someone with a criminal history, however, skip the background checks, pool your resources, and work to own your own home.

(On a side note, I have been rejected at countless homes and apartment complexes, where large breed (prohibited) dogs were accepted, but I was not. Now ain’t that a bitch)

Because of a felony conviction, nobody wants to hang out with me… No. Nobody wants to hang out with you because it’s depressing seeing how all you do is bitch about life, saying how unfair shit is because you are a f*cking felon. You suck the enjoyment out of everyone else’s life and make them leave. That is why nobody wants to hang around you.

Along with the mind, I worked on my body. Not for six-pack abs or anything like that, but to feel better about life and get my confidence and self-esteem back up.

Life is way too long to feel and look like garbage every day. Believe it or not, it takes a lot of energy to be a convicted felon and accept all the challenges that come with the criminal convictions baggage.

I did not want to be reliant on substances to “deal” with my stresses, as I had done for far too long. So, I started attacking my problems head-on. The result: I lost 50lbs, and my confidence went sky high.

Now am I where I want to be physically, mentally, and financially?

No, not yet. Do I think I have all the answers?

F*ck no. But I am extremely proud of how far I have come and all that I’ve learned along the way with the challenges and stigma of carrying a felony conviction and criminal record.

I’d like to think that all the rejection, pain, and suffering endured along the way, paved a road to be traveled with fewer roadblocks and detours for someone contending with a felony charge.

Both my family and I have experienced so many crazy scenarios, setbacks, and issues on this felony journey, that you would think I was bullshitting and making it all up (unfortunately, I am not).

Who am I and Understanding a Felony Conviction

I am a Father, Husband, and Convicted Felon who enjoys helping others by way of entertainment and some useful information. I have completed 17,520 successful hours of house arrest, and an embarrassingly lengthy number of years on probation than I care to explain. All while paying my debt to society.

When I was at my worst, and all stressed out, I wished there was a place I could have gone to gain some perspective, motivation, and maybe even a laugh as a welcome distraction to the problems I was facing, rather than the cookie-cutter bullshit I came across.

I mean seriously, I’m good on the whole don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time analogy bullshit lessons.

I created this site for men and women like you and me going through serious issues, and needing a healthier outlet for that stress, anger, and frustration that accompanies someone convicted of a felony charge.

All with a common theme in mind: To attain a better quality of life after coming in contact with the criminal justice system.

My main goal is to inspire a reader to take charge of their life and find their inner strengths (despite any legal hardships they may be experiencing).

I have been there, overcame, and can provide the guidance and poor attempts at humor necessary to keep you from gargling a gallon of draino and ending your life.

So whether it’s you or a loved one going through some tough times, please feel free to take a look around my site, contact me, or follow me on social media.

Educate yourself on your situation, because nobody will do it for you. Stay well and out of trouble.

–The Educated Felon