The Joys of Not Taking a Shit in Jail

If you’re like me, you look forward to a glorious bowel movement every morning. The fact that some easy reading material is within arm’s reach at that explosive moment in time, (not to mention the joy of privacy and not having an audience watching and overhearing) only contributes towards the overall satisfaction of the experience. Just saying.

Bear in mind, I do not want anything that will get me too riled up (hence no politics or bills to sift through), nor do I care to learn too much at that time either, adding any unnecessary pressure on my brain, as my keen focus is on pushing out that brick.

Allow me to supply that to your brain right now while sitting on the toilet – useless shit to shit to. My parents are so, so proud. Their convicted felon son writing an article on shit.

In that regard, I’d consider myself to be quite special. An exception to the rule if you will. While some dare say eccentric, others would say weird.

Either way, I would definitely say I am above average. So, for me, I wipe my ass and laugh at the mere mortal with their average statistic.

_{DID YOU KNOW: Studies have concluded that the average person spends close to 100 days in totality on the shitter throughout his/her lifetime.}

I can’t help it. Taking a dump has always meant more to me than just shit, as I’ve always had a disturbing fascination with toilets throughout my lifetime. Not only in respect to some astounding bowel movements achieved, but in what else was accomplished.

Relief, comfort, and more importantly, a little productivity.

Don’t you dare judge me.

For the record, some of my best ideas and brainstorming sessions have come way of an available toilet that was all too willing to listen, dedicating itself to an explosive case of “creativity”.

I admit, I’ve always had my little nuances and rituals regarding my bathroom proclivities, but time and again it just always seems to be a place of great accomplishment for me.

A nirvana where mind and body come together to eliminate the negativity (shit) and put you back into a harmonious state.

In more recent years it has become my private house of refuge. A safe haven used to escape the world, where I retreat to clear my head and collect my thoughts.

Anybody with kids knows this is sanctuary is not to be messed with.

So, you see, not only do I get shit accomplished creatively and digestively, but for mental clarity as well. For me and countless others, the toilet has transitioned to one of the modern-day working spaces. Phone calls, texts and emails are made, and deals get done.

One thing to be truly appreciated, is that someone incarcerated generally is not afforded the luxury of taking time to enjoy their shit and ponder the meaning of life and/or handle their business at leisure.

So, my best advice for all those out there in the free world would be TAKE TIME TO ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE. USE TIME TO YOUR ADVANTAGE AND PRODUCE SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST SHIT.

Sure, it’s good to zone out from time to time and center yourself, but use that opportunity to study, create, or learn something new, other than staring at the exquisite attention to detail regarding the tile and grout of your bathroom flooring.

Stand tall, stand proud (after wiping your ass). Go treat yourself to a nice twenty-minute power shit in order to rejuvenate the mind, body, and soul.

And while over the years of my life those close to me have been astounded at the amount of time I’ve dedicated to blowing up countless toilets around the country state county (convicted felons know what I’m talking about), I’ve yet to take count of my above average shit frequency, nor do I care.

All I know is, I will continue to appreciate the many joys of a good shit until the day I die.

–The Educated Felon